KRWG

Crying "Uncle!" In 2020

May 2, 2019

Commentary: My fellow Americans, as I look across the 40 or 50 people in this presidential primary, it is clear the only thing missing is me. So who’s running for president? This guy!

You know me, America. You knew me as “Lunch Pail Joe,” the working guy's friend, and later as “Uncle Joe.” I was a Senator for decades and I spent eight years in the White House.

My record dimmed in memory as my hair grew white and I became a popular character in social media memes. Now that I'm Uncle Joe, I want you to cry "Uncle!" in 2020.

 

No one understands the mess we’re in better than me, because I played a pivotal role in getting us here. I haven’t just been “biden” my time, ha ha. Sorry about that.

You know me, America, and you are comforted by someone who looks like me, gazing at you through the camera lens and promising common sense and bipartisanship.

If anyone has demonstrated a long bipartisan career, that’s me. Not only have I worked with the other party, I praised Kissinger and gave President George W. Bush, the "war president," a medal. Because I’m a decent guy.

A list of bipartisan triumphs

For decades, I reached across that aisle and worked with the other party to bring prosperity to those who profit from bankruptcy and permanent warfare, to establish the war on drugs, to reduce the economic safety net and discipline the poor. (Not you! Those other poor people!)

When you wanted us to lock more people up in the 1990's, while I warned you about the predators sharing the street with you, I made sure that mass incarceration was profitable and sentences were longer.

When we stood on the precipice of illegally invading Iraq and miring ourselves in an endless war simultaneous to our generations-long war in Afghanistan, I helped tip us over.

America, I am banking on your habit of being drawn to personalities and image, but not policy outcomes. I am banking on political journalists and media producers mistaking pious displays for moral fiber.

With your help, I can pull it off.

Cry "Uncle!" in 2020

The comfort I offer you in these unhappy times is that I will say bad things about Trump and assure you that the remedies for an exploitative economy, social injustice, and the destruction of our climate will not require fundamental changes. I will cheerfully, compassionately triangulate between progressive proposals and Trumpism.

The Berniecrats and crazies will tell you that billionaires are the problem but I stand for a more inclusive America, one where an individual can bank billions of dollars that might otherwise build things and help people, and still be called a patriot

Besides, that’s who I need to raise money from. Very quickly. Large money bundlers, please help.

These aren’t oligarchs: they’re your uncles, like me. And by God, I’m going to keep this family together.

If you want an avuncular, regular guy who passes the "beer test," who knows how to listen and promise change that won't upset existing relations of power and finance, cry "Uncle!" 

You want bipartisanship, but you also want nuance. I’m the messenger who can agree with you that the system is broken, while assuring the banking and insurance industries that their game will not fundamentally change. So you know what to do: cry "Uncle!" 

That is the crux of my case, America. I am a guy who knows how to get things done in Washington and I have done a whole lot of things. I’m on your side even if the results of my policies are not.

Together, we will defeat the cynics and crazy leftists who tell you that you are frustrated with corporate power.