"Silent Beauty" Director Jasmin Mara López speaks with KC Counts about telling the story of her own sexual abuse as a child. Her film will be screened April 10th during the Las Cruces International Film Festival. You can find the full schedule at The Las Cruces International Film Festival website
Here is a portion of their conversation:
KC:
My first thought was to ask you about your experience and how long you lived with it before you decided that you had to tell someone?
Jasmin:
I lived with this experience for about two decades. I was abused by my grandfather when I was about 9-10 years old. But you know, I also have some earlier memories of similar abuses, but that aren't quite clear. And so I've really lived with that you know, I lived in that experience since childhood. But what my film is about is the abuses that I experienced with my grandfather.
KC:
I had the opportunity at least to watch the trailer before we had this conversation, and in it there's a point where you call your grandfather to confront him about this. Tell me about how you decided to do that.
Jasmin:
Yeah, that was probably one of... the steps in, you know, the disclosure process I had disclosed to my family that happened in 2014 and then about a year later is when I called my grandfather and that was actually prompted by an investigation. So I did end up reporting my grandfather. It was a pretty difficult experience to work with the state but, it's, you know, it's the path I decided to take because many in my family were still silent about the issue and about the fact that he abused them. And he was very, you know, he was still receiving visitors and children would visit him. And so I decided to take that step and as part of the investigation, I was encouraged to call him to see if he would actually confess. And he did not.
KC:
Did you talk to other relatives about this and is that how you learned about others being abused as well?
Jasmin:
Yeah, I had actually thought that I was the only one that experienced this, but then my niece was born. I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore. You know, I was like, it's just too much of a risk and this could happen to her. And so I decided to start telling my family one person at a time. And, you know, I was very strategic about that. I started with my mother. And then my sister, then my brother, then my uncles, then all of my cousins and the rest of my aunts and uncles. So it was very difficult, but as I would tell people, most of them would say I support you because you know he did this to me as well. Some of them, everyone was in their own places with it. Some people were very afraid to speak out - were very afraid to tell the family, but for the most part, my cousins were, you know, 100% behind me. They had their challenges because our family is very, just kept this under wraps. And so they wanted to remain quiet about it. And so they also tried to silence me so that was very difficult, but that is how I found out that many people had been abused by him.
KC:
Has it helped you heal?
Jasmin:
It has, it has and it you know, it wasn't something that I expected would happen. It actually helped me, I think, because of the support that was behind it and seeing, you know, talking to complete strangers, sometimes people that would fund my film saying, you know, this happened to me too, and I think that and building and finding that community of other survivors, I think really helps in the healing process and helped lead me to finding my voice and helped me become a stronger person. And I, you know, honestly I'm not the same person I was when I started making this film. So there was a lot of healing and a lot of growth there. And so I always encourage others, you know, if they want to do something like this that it's very possible. But I also, you know, let them know of the challenges that come with it.
KC:
How do you think having that experience through your childhood changed who you were. You just mentioned, you know, this has helped you change. Do you often think about what would have been different for you and how that affected you during those years?
Jasmin:
Absolutely. And that I think that was the hardest part for me to confront is the child, you know that the child within me and what could have been had I had a healthier upbringing, I just became a very anxious person and I was not, you know, all throughout my teens and my 20s and even my 30s. I'm 45 now. I did not believe in myself. And I just had so much anxiety and I didn't realize it was anxiety that I carried and that prevented me in many ways from becoming who I'm capable of becoming.
You can listen to the full conversation with Jasmin by clicking the "listen" button at the top of this post.
